ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Love Hurts, Love Scars | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/love-hurts-love-scars
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. Love Hurts, Love Scars. I am definitely too something to be in this club: old, fat, ugly, out of touch, dumb, horny. The fine ale I am currently on was paid for by neglected tips at the bar. Stop judging, bartenders are the doctors of the working class. Flesh Dark. Teeth. Dark. Flesh. Dark. Eyeballs. Dark. Life. Dark. I know exactly what would take the edge off. My body is relaxed. The wet from sweat and spilled drinks and my brick feet t...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Man Vs. Cat | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/man-vs-cat
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. Man Vs. Cat. The fan kept me cool all night. I am refreshed. The air smells like opportunity and not like stale beer farts. For once I am ready to open my eyes and take on the day. My cat’s asshole stares back at me. I close my eyes too slow. Why would she do this to me? I’d choose the barrel of a gun over that. With my head stuffed into the pillow, the cat’s anus painted on the back of my eyelids, I wish for stale beer farts. She sees my lif...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
White Whale | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2011/05/05/white-whale
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. I need a mirror. It has been 27 days since Marla left. On the night she declared me an unfit partner my adult self punched my adolescent self in the face. Or was it my idealistic adolescent self who punched the jerk-off adult self in the face? Either way, I saw my face and punched it; I broke my mirror. I need to sleep. I need to leave this apartment. Lying in bed I’ve been staring at my ceiling for hours, watching it get thinner and thinner&...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Half-Off | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2010/09/14/half-off
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. My local grocery store has started putting pink 50-percent-off stickers on products they need to sell. Because of this I have become a daily regular. My diet consists of only items with pink stickers on them. The burden of deciding what will be had for any given meal has been lifted from me. I let the stickers guide me. The problem is I have to get there early in the morning or late in the night for these deals. Middle of the day? While every...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Brett Butler | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/author/subprod
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. Author Archives: Brett Butler. If my dick were a gun is a collection of short stories by Brett Butler. He is also an award-winning filmmaker/screenwriter and co-creator of the Toronto based entertainment production company SubProd. It was the last weekend of summer. I had just left my friend’s place, you know the ‘cool’ type of friend. But just hanging, playing video games wasn’t for me. Where did the nets go? I pulled out a cigarette I stole...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Hungover: A Love Story | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2009/12/11/hungover-a-love-story
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. Hungover: A Love Story. Sun shone through the window angrily at my face. It was scolding me for the way I acted last night. I awoke next to Marla, her eyes were still glued shut and she slept peacefully. I believed this to be unfair as she had yet to feel the pain from last night’s gluttony. I stared at her. I hope you’re having a nightmare right now,’ I thought. I thought about wiping the sweat off my brow and licking it. Maybe if my sperm w...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Monster in the Room | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/monster-in-the-room
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. Monster in the Room. Severe paranoia hit me at age 31. I chalked it up to insecurity, but it was probably the mass quantities of pot I smoked over the last 16 years. Either way, I was battling a pretty good mind fuck. My artistic career was floundering. I declared five years ago, to Marla, my new girlfriend at the time, that I didn’t care if I made a dime painting. I was going to do it until I die. She loved my passion for art. I am a monster...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Medical School | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/medical-school
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. The soft rock playing in the waiting room reminds me of anticipating dinner in my parents’ living room as a child. This is my first visit to the doctor’s since becoming a real, honest-to-goodness adult. I even had to find my own licensed practitioner. To do this, you have to have an in. I told her I was having chest pains. I have other reasons for being here. I second guess my education. I really should have gone with secretary school. The la...
ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com
Love Lessoned | IF MY DICK WERE A GUN
https://ifmydickwereagun.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/love-lessoned
IF MY DICK WERE A GUN. I WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY HEAD OFF BY NOW…. It was the last weekend of summer. Like most kids I felt like the world was going to be over in two days, facing another ten months in the children’s jailhouse, aka school. No reason for me even to celebrate with new prison fashion either because I had not grown an inch over the last two-and-a-half months. I had just left my friend’s place, you know the ‘cool’ type of friend. But just hanging, playing video games wasn’t for me. The summer sta...
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