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Exploding Unicorn: February 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Monday, February 24, 2014. Maybe I don’t even have a dog. It’s possible for the last six years I’ve been yelling at a dirty mop. Have no idea why I even installed a doggy door. At least that rubber flap gives Spencer privacy while he pees inside. Spencer would build an ark before he’d give up flooding my back porch. Posted by James Breakwell. Friday, February 21, 2014. The 12 Lessons Kids Really Learn from Disney Princesses. In “Bea...

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Exploding Unicorn: July 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Sunday, July 13, 2014. Third Time's the Charm. E should really look for doctors in colder climates. Every drink in the sun erases four hours of medical school. If I was truly a good husband, I would’ve let my wife rub my feet and make me a sandwich, too. I’m not saying all trumpet players are serial killers, but all serial killers play the trumpet. 8221; Eventually, my subtle message got through, and she let us back in.

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Exploding Unicorn: September 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Friday, September 12, 2014. Things My Kids Can Do That I Can't. My 2-year-old can skip, and I can’t. I don’t always row. Sometimes I lasso my coworkers and make them tow me. I can drive, and my kids can’t. My kids can break into song, and I can’t. Maybe that was a compliment. For all I know, a dying moose has a beautiful singing voice. I can own guns, and my kids can’t. My kids can wear anything, and I can’t. Posted by James Breakwell.

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Exploding Unicorn: April 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Wednesday, April 30, 2014. The Biggest Mistake Men Make. The only acceptable use for rear pockets is as a handle if I needs to pull someone out of quicksand. Back-pocket wallets make everyone’s butts look funny. The back-pocket wallet trend causes many real square butt tumors to go undiagnosed. (Photo by. Back pockets are tragically undersized. Men sit on their back pockets. The back pocket is a bullseye for criminals. When my 3-year-old ...

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Exploding Unicorn: March 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Sunday, March 30, 2014. Why Tall People are Better. My wife can’t wear orange because it causes traffic jams. The Wizard of Oz. My shadow can protect people from a giant ball of fusion a million times larger than the earth. I’m basically a superhero. Step ladders aren’t very good at cuddling. Fan fiction. Someday she’ll learn I only do that on the Tuesday nights. Posted by James Breakwell. Tuesday, March 25, 2014. Buy a riding lawnmower a...

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Exploding Unicorn: August 2013

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Saturday, August 31, 2013. Cleaning up my Act. 8221; and “How did you get giraffe blood on this shirt? 8221; The more pressing question is, “How does she know that blood is from a giraffe? Wives in tenements didn’t hang their laundry to dry it. It was actually out there to serve as potpourri for the entire neighborhood. Posted by James Breakwell. Wednesday, August 28, 2013. A Wrench in Nature’s Plan. My dad: “See that woodchuck? If the mi...

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Exploding Unicorn: January 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Monday, January 27, 2014. Those silences would be interrupted only by asthmatic breathing and sad murmurings of “I AM your father.”. At least my friends and I weren’t uncool enough to fight with glowing swords. Ours were just metal rods covered in colored duct tape. The number of thumbs up most “Star Wars” fans give the prequels corresponds directly to the number of visible nipples in each film. Posted by James Breakwell. We know very lit...

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Exploding Unicorn: May 2014

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Monday, May 26, 2014. How to Party Like an Adult. Hold the party early in the day. There’s no better way to start the day than with a little bit of arson. Provide plenty of seating. The only time I should be near the dance floor is if I’m passed out on it. Make sure there’s an adequate number of power outlets. It’s OK if the outlet is slightly out of reach. I always bring a 50-foot extension cord. Put out plenty of snacks.

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Exploding Unicorn: November 2013

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Saturday, November 30, 2013. It never hurts to be prepared, unless your preparations kill you. That’s what I learned from the National Geographic Channel’s. The best part of prepping is when you tell your kids you cashed in their college funds to buy two million rounds of ammunition. Despite dedicating themselves to preparing for the future, few of these survivalists actually think ahead. The men and women profiled on. Tis the Season for ...

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Exploding Unicorn: December 2013

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And that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn.". Monday, December 30, 2013. Some pens are mightier than others. The ballpoint ones are the best for eye-gouging. The second line will be “Fires cause ouchies.”. If I’m lucky enough to get hit by a full beer bottle, the alcohol will sanitize the wound and also be delicious. Posted by James Breakwell. Monday, December 16, 2013. Bring a Spoon to a Gun Fight. Watch out: It’s loaded. Posted by James Breakwell. Parked in the Fast Lane. Him: &#82...