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Fugetaboutit!!!: November 2005
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005. I simply remember my favorite things.and then I don't get.in trouble. Last night I was in Tower Records and I overheard the following conversation between a young couple. In Living Color is out on DVD! We’re not getting that. Why not it’s only twenty bucks? Because if we get that you’ll want to watch it and then I’ll have to watch it and I don’t want to watch it. Oh you are not getting a copy of the Sound of Music. It’s the 40th Anniversary Special Edition. The honeymoon pha...
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Fugetaboutit!!!: August 2005
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Monday, August 29, 2005. I see dead Cartwrights. and pretty colors. Here's a sentence I'll bet none of you have ever heard before. I'm redecorating the downstairs and you are not going to be involved in choosing the colors because you have "Ponderosa" taste.". My wife is going to remodel and pick out the colors by herself. My living room is going to end up looking like a float in the gay pride parade. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But that's just me. How can she say I have Ponderosa taste?
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Fugetaboutit!!!: July 2005
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Sunday, July 31, 2005. The Miracle of Bookstar. This is a long one. There's an unwritten law in my house. Never under any circumstance am I allowed to touch my wife's romance novels. So I spilled a protein shake on my wife's romance novel yesterday. The damn thing was on the dining room table, opened up face down to save her page while she was at the gym. My first reaction was to run to the sink with the book and wash it off and then throw it in the dryer with beach towels. Do you know the author's name?
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Fugetaboutit!!!: January 2006
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Tuesday, January 31, 2006. Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Scotland anymore. I have done some stupid things in my life. Still reigning as undefeated champion of stupid is when I thought my grandmother’s enema bag was a Scottish bagpipe. I don’t want to talk about it. I was only eight. I still have flashbacks of that story being told every Thanksgiving. I still can’t watch Braveheart because of it. The most current stupid thing I have done is wrench my back. That happens when you get older. When you...
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Fugetaboutit!!!: June 2005
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Sunday, June 26, 2005. I can save the world. Or at least 30 minutes of my time. I have a plan that will eliminate all traffic jams from the face of the earth. It's innovative, cost effective, environmentally safe and friendly, easier to implement than the Department of Homeland Security terrorist warning color system, will save Social Security, and will probably save the lives of thousands of illegal aliens. This one plan will eliminate our dependence on foreign oil forever. I sound like John Kerry).
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Fugetaboutit!!!: September 2005
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Thursday, September 29, 2005. I got the fever baby! I got the "fever" when I was in Las Vegas. It was the morning of our last day there. I leave my wife in our suite with her room service breakfast and I go to the casino to get my money back before we leave. I couldn't leave this one Wheel of Fortune machine because.I was "due.". I found myself talking out loud using gambling terms I had never used before. She started getting a little perturbed with me when I kept yelling, "Grandma needs the patch! He ha...
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Fugetaboutit!!!: February 2006
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Sunday, February 26, 2006. Come on over to "my space". Last night we were shaking hands with people coming out of our show and one of my buddies was handing out his card saying, Come be my friend on my space. He’s young, he’s Vietnamese, I thought maybe this was his feeble attempt at picking up women and he was having a language problem. Dat, what the hell are you doing? I’m inviting people to my space. Jesus Christ Dat, you won Last Comic Standing you don’t need to ask out the skanky drunk girls. Dat, y...
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Fugetaboutit!!!: March 2006
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Friday, March 24, 2006. They call me El Lobo. Hey dad we’re back home and Kim’s okay. The doctor says she has an irritable uterus. Yeah, well, from my experience they’re pretty much all irritable. I thought her uterus was incompetent. It’s still incompetent but now it’s irritable. She has an incompetent irritable uterus. What do you mean she had an angry uterus? Hey, I’m no doctor. So when did mom get back from New York? Did she have fun? I don’t know I haven’t got the Visa statement yet. What did you do?
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Fugetaboutit!!!: December 2005
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Friday, December 30, 2005. The New Year is coming the New Year coming. I thought we weren’t exchanging gifts. Then what’s in the box? It’s a pre we’re not giving gifts gift. Uh huhIt’s a pretty small box, what did you do? Sweetheart I saw these before we made our no exchanging gifts deal and I thought they’d look great on you. (Note the word saw , a technicality maybe but it gets me off the hook). Oh my god they’re beautiful Thank you honey.you really shouldn’t have. Plus they look good on her. So my New...
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Fugetaboutit!!!: October 2005
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Monday, October 31, 2005. Touched by a Beagle? I think I’m going to build a shrine to my lucky jar of dog biscuits. Which of the following statements are true? A I won $1,535 on a California Lotto ticket Saturday. B I won $2,000 at a charity event I emceed on Saturday. C Robin Williams walked in off the street at The Comedy Store in La Jolla at midnight on. Saturday and did an impromptu set for anyone who was there and then he stayed and hung out with the comedians after the show. F All of the Above.