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Perfect Cube | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/perfect-cube

I am 27. I will receive posts on my facebook page. I will receive free brownies. I will receive dinner. I am solipsistic. I am messy. I am God. I am Satan. I am dust. I am uncanny. I am wonderful. I am destructive. I am manic. I am a very impressive failure. I will go to work today. I will turn 28 in one year from today. I will die someday. I am enslaved. I am running. I am free. I fail. I am such a good failure. I fail really, really well. Don’t fuck with me. December 20, 2011 / 8:29 am. The entire arti...

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South Korea | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/south-korea

Part 1: Conversations between me and my travel bag. Me: How many pairs of underwear should I bring for a week in Korea? Bag: I don’t know. 9? Me: Can you fit 9 pairs of underwear, plus other clothing and some contraband alcohol products? Bag: Sure, why not? See, Charles, I’m a travel bag and I’m made to be filled with a variety of materials. Me: That’s what she said. Ha. Me: Travel Bag, can you please give me two matching socks rather than one gray sock and one tan argyle sock? Bag: Oh I see, a dumb joke...

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The Company Band | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/the-company-band

We’re a classic rock cover band. Bon Jovi. The Who. Tom Petty. etc. I play on most of the songs. The big gig was the company holiday party. We played at the Showbox at the market. I headlined the Showbox at the market. Suck on that, Fleet Foxes. We found a tiny pipe in the green room. Everyone kept referring to it as a crack pipe. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a crack pipe. It was an 80s-themed party. We played in front of a big screen showing the movie. I wore a pin-striped suit, a top hat, and a feather boa.

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“Not saying no…” pretty much always means “No” | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/03/18/not-saying-no-pretty-much-always-means-no

8220;Not saying no…” pretty much always means “No”. When I was in 6th grade I ran for Student Body Secretary at Sherwood Elementary. This other girl, Tiffany Barber, was running for President or Vice President or something, and since Clueless was a popular movie around then, or maybe just because she was embodying the ditzy pre-adolescent, her campaign slogan was “As if. Vote for Tiff.”. Last night I had a dream in which I was a basketball player. That’s not unusual, I always have dreams in whi...The Hus...

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Genevieve | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/genevieve

Girls aren’t fun, I said (though I don’t remember the question, I’m pretty sure this was a sensical answer, albeit rude). When I woke up the following morning, my brain must have understood that I was in an important situation, because I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and thinking that when my eyes opened I would see my bedroom, and being startled when I didn’t. Instead what I saw was the condo owner’s bedroom, and she was next to me. Remind me how to spell your name? June 21, 2011 / 11:21 pm.

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Puerto Rico | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/puerto-rico

I walk from the bus stop to the light rail stop and I read the signs. On a bikini ad: “Screw these women you’re beautiful.”. On a condemned building: “Make this day counting.”. Eric texts me to say he’s going to be a little late. The bus has just come and he’s been waiting for half an hour. This is uncharacteristic of the 71,72,73 line. You usually don’t even need to check the schedule. The granddaughter comes back. “Grandma, are you a cougar? 8221; The family starts cackling. To get to the airport, and ...

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Horcruxes | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/12/01/horcruxes

Something, but I don’t know what. I want to have an experience, but I don’t want to have to exert myself. So I just mull around and dig my fingernails into her increasingly magnanimous cat. Did Hemmingway do this? I don’t want to be the person that talks about those other people that did something. I want to be those other people. But maybe that’s how everyone feels. On the wall by the urinal in Linda’s Tavern, someone has written “This sentence has five words.”. A few nights ago Genevieve and I were wat...

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One Time. Every Time. | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/one-time-every-time

One Time. Every Time. Since Monday is the best day for birthday parties, on Monday I find myself at Kellen Abel’s house celebrating Charles Dupont’s birthday via a Bad Beer, Good Beer draft which is probably mostly exciting to gamers. The concept is as follows:. Everyone brings one bad beer and one good beer (the winner for worst beer was Chelada, a mixture of Budweiser and Clamato juice that’s right, the worst beer wasn’t kosher). People are randomly assigned bad beers. Everyone chugs their bad beers.

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Don’t Change Your Plans For Me | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/dont-change-your-plans-for-me

Don’t Change Your Plans For Me. It’s official. I’m moving to New York City. Even typing that right now seems unreal. One day after I broke up with Genevieve I got a call from a director at my company, a director with whom I had been discussing a possible summer or fall promotion. Maybe a move. Maybe to Chicago or San Francisco. Dallas was another possibility, but I wasn’t really into Dallas. Maybe I’d stay in Seattle and become a manager on my team. Being the kind of person who lived in the city. Leave a...

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McDonalds Commercial | Charles Schaefer

https://chuckleface.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/296

We all know that black people are cooler than we are. Well, McDonalds has confirmed it with its marketing campaign and branding over the past several years:. I mean, how obvious can you get? The dad might have forgotten that he was cool at some point, but his kid reminds him with his rad dance moves. Then they all dance and eat McDonalds together. But there are more subtle ones. These black people are so rich and black that they prefer a Big Mac to a fancy dinner. Notice that while all the white and asia...