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Malaise – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/07/08/malaise
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. Depression and I are no strangers to each other. But this slow creeping, insidious malaise that snuck up on me is new. It seems to me that things become habit and habit became commonplace and commonplace became automatic and whammo I woke up this morning on the verge of. Of course, I guess. In the moment. But that is not why you are shoveling. You are shoveling because depression makes you doubt who y...Don’...
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I saw Grace today. – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/i-saw-grace-today
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. I saw Grace today. I have learnt to Mission when I am walking through Town. Head down, don’t look around, don’t look like a tourist. Many of them with an out of control drug problem. Most of them with some serious mental illness issues. Too few of them completely harmless. Today I passed a homeless soul early in the cold sunlight, wrapped in a blanket rocking back and forth. Today, I saw something that profoundly...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
I am – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/07/15/i-am
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. I got caught up in the idea that I had wasted some of my life the other day. Wasted it on not feeling good enough, not being thin enough, not being enough really. Wasted it on doubting myself. Doubting my abilities. Doubting my inner being. Wasted it on endlessly looking for . Peace? Wasted it on people who don’t deserve time. On endeavors that I knew would harm me? Collecting stuff that ultimately adds no value?
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
The Leaving – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/the-leaving
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. For the longest time, part of my psychosis has been never being able to accept that I have value. My belief structure has always revolved around the fact that family have to love. They have to help. The have to accept you. So it doesn’t matter how broken you are. They are there and it is a given. But what happens when they are not? What do you do when you are the one left behind? For a moment the loss of stabilit...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
Revisited – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/08/19/revisited
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. Anyone who knows me probably needs to know that my sister and I (and I suspect my mother) have this weird holey / fluid / trans-dimensional annoying memory issue. We forget. We know we forget, but because the ‘thing’ is forgotten, we don’t miss it. Till someone says something like Remember that time and we really, really don’t. So forgive me if I reflect. Forgive me if I look forward. I will try to write more....
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
Age – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2014/08/20/age
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. So I turn 39 tomorrow. I have resolved that it will be the last progressive birthday I will be having. Presents still mandatory into the future though. Thing is I don’t feel 39. I don’t even feel 29 or 19. Apart from a whole lot more darkness in my heart and spirit, I don’t feel like time has passed. So forgive me if I reflect. I have learnt to accept a mother that is damaged. Still she manipulates and plays ...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
Lessons at 40… – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/lessons-at-40
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. Lessons at 40…. I turn 40 this month, here are 10 things that I have learnt:. Tattoos are not as painful as you think they are. Except when they are. And when they are, it really is all in the mind. Dogs are love. Absolute love. If you were to ask God to personify love, He would tell you that He already has. Also loyalty, acceptance, joy and happiness. I do not understand people. People are complex and mean a...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
It’s gonna be Epic – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/its-gonna-be-epic
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. It’s gonna be Epic. For almost 40 years I have existed. True to the ideals and standards that society, circumstance and family impose on us. Forever striving for an unrealistic version of my best self. For almost 40 years I have struggled and tried and cried and chafed against the restrictions I have put on my own self. For almost 40 years I have not quite fully embraced my own path. But now I am. And I am so...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
For Paula – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/08/06/for-paula
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. Almost a year ago I wrote this:. I am glad animals don’t have souls. They have something better. Purer. Cleaner. There is no word for it I don’t think. But it is in their eyes. I do not understand people who are intolerant of what others believe or how they live. I do not understand people who view animals as something to be used and discarded, like last week’s rubbish. I do not understand people. And when they p...
toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com
Expletive’s ahead – To Live and not Just Exist
https://toliveandnotjustexist.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/expletives-ahead
To Live and not Just Exist. Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too. When you have weighed as much as I have, you get this really weird idea of what you look like. The longer you are big, the more out of perception your idea of yourself becomes. When buying clothing, you will automatically pick something way too big for you. When parking, you will give yourself way more space than you actually need. When thinking of going out, you will worry about fitting into chairs etc. I am goi...
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