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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: A Merry Christmas Miracle: A Christmas Story

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/12/merry-christmas-miracle-christmas-story.html

Sunday, December 16, 2007. A Merry Christmas Miracle: A Christmas Story. From the desk of Morbid Misanthrope:. As Tim stormed down the tree-lined streets, briefcase grasped firmly in his clenched fist, he screamed angrily into his cell phone. 8220;What do you mean the car needs a new goddamned engine? 8221; he barked into his phone, a fine mist of angry spittle spraying from his gaping maw. “When was the oil changed last? How the fuck should I know that? I’m an important lawyer! 8220;Listen, Pedro! 8221;...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: When you make Latin food, which type of pan(dering) should you use?

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/09/when-you-make-latin-food-which-type-of.html

Monday, September 24, 2007. When you make Latin food, which type of pan(dering) should you use? After you watch all the Food Network shows on the Tivo, Yakov comes in and says something like, “Right. So, you promise not to stick pecker in cow parts, right? Of course you won’t. Yakov doesn’t hire goddamned perverts. That’s why his brother still unemployed.” Yes, sometimes Yakov speaks in the third person. The Next Food Network Star. This shit all went down a while ago when the show first aired (you probab...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: Taxicab Conversations

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/10/taxicab-conversations.html

Saturday, October 13, 2007. Brand A Cab Company. How can I help you? Hello, I need a cab to pick me up again tomorrow at 9:30 am. Uh-huh. What address? And where are you going? Beefy Yakov’s Slaughterhouse and Used Plastic Tarp Emporium. Are you, like, going to work or something? Yes, I’m going to work. How will you be paying? Well, we don’t take checks, so can you pay with cash or something? Yeah, I’ll pay with cash—just like I did this morning. We don’t send cabs to that area. Since, like, forever.

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: Making the News

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/11/making-news.html

Sunday, November 04, 2007. Crazed Man Terrifies Neighborhood. At approximately 8:00 pm Halloween night, an as-yet-unidentified man verbally attacked and terrified tick-or-treaters prowling the neighborhoods just trying to enjoy the traditional Halloween festivities. Suddenly, the man “leapt” from his vehicle “like some kind of demon” and started screaming at the group of costumed children. He was apparently impatient after having to wait for so many people crossing the street ...8220;The man was scary,&#...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: March 2008

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html

Wednesday, March 05, 2008. Solving the Pube Enigma. Dude, I think there’s a pube in my chicken strips. A fuckin’ pubic hair, dude. I think there’s a pube on my chicken. Are you sure it isn’t just a chicken hair? Chickens have feathers, bro. Yeah, but, like, they have some hair, too. Like, haven’t you ever had a chicken wing with, like, sort of bristly hairs sticking off of it? Well, they do have hairs sometimes, I guess. Usually just a few here and there near the pointy part of the wing. What are you goi...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: Happy Thanksgiving

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/11/happy-thanksgiving.html

Thursday, November 22, 2007. You know, I've heard Chuck Norris ate a turkey TV dinner one year for Thanksgiving. Except he roundhouse kicked it so hard it turned into a rare filet mignon with all the trimmings. I guess Chuck doesn't like turkey. Anyway, hope you have a good holiday. Why does this image seem so sad? Wow, that's exactly what I had, except a marie calendar's one. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, too. I worked. It was a blast. Woo. Mister underhill - Marie Callender's? Mister underhill - ...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: Egads, I've been tagged!

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2007/11/egads-ive-been-tagged.html

Sunday, November 11, 2007. Egads, I've been tagged! Much like the side of a building in the ghetto, where crack flows like screw-top wine, I’ve been tagged. (Whoooo! Three stereotypes in the first sentence—I’m off to a great start! The whole concept of tagging on the blogosphere is interesting. Allow me to illustrate the abstract concept of the tagger–tagee relationship with the help of an Aristotelian dialog:. 8220;Hey, pal! I’ve just tagged you! 8220;Tits, bro. What do I get? 8220;Can I blog about this?

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: April 2008

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

Tuesday, April 01, 2008. Interesting MM Quotes from His Editor. Morb has been very occupied with work as of late, and, in order to create the illusion of activity on this blog, asked me to post something. I asked him what, exactly, he’d like me to post, and I believe his exact words were, “I don’t know. Fuckin’ something, stupid.”. Camus mew [kitten sound] = Camew. Adorable, no? Live one more day. To an annoyingly festive coworker on Saint Patrick’s Day). To a coworker he had to ask for directions).

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: Solving the Pube Enigma

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2008/03/solving-pube-enigma.html

Wednesday, March 05, 2008. Solving the Pube Enigma. Dude, I think there’s a pube in my chicken strips. A fuckin’ pubic hair, dude. I think there’s a pube on my chicken. Are you sure it isn’t just a chicken hair? Chickens have feathers, bro. Yeah, but, like, they have some hair, too. Like, haven’t you ever had a chicken wing with, like, sort of bristly hairs sticking off of it? Well, they do have hairs sometimes, I guess. Usually just a few here and there near the pointy part of the wing. What are you goi...

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Morbid Misanthrope's Angry Rants: August 2008

http://morbidmisanthrope.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html

Wednesday, August 20, 2008. The Random Dialogs: Part Two. What is it with women? You mean, like, in general? No I mean like how they always refer to a boner as a hard-on when they’re trying to sound all sexy right before they blow you. You know? No, actually. I’ve never found myself in that situation. Shut up, asshole. I am not. This has happened to you a lot? Oh yeah, totally. Pretty much, like, every single time. And, of course, in the thousands of pornos I’ve seen. Yeah, basically. Come to think o...